“Good Grief!” Loss and Grief in Northeast Nebraska
By Dr. Michael Ashton, Superintendent of Catholic Schools
The title of this article honors a beloved spiritual writer, Charles Schulz, the author of the comic strip Peanuts. I grew up on that light literature (the graphic novel of its time), and I could tell that Schulz, a WWII veteran and devout Christian, was inserting deeper commentary when he animated his near autobiographical character, Charlie Brown, with the aphorism, “Good grief!”
What makes the experience of grief different during this pandemic?
- The prevalence of “sympathetic” grief
St. Paul tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” (Rom 12:15), but this requires emotional energy. Additionally, we are more connected to our neighbor’s grief than ever before. For example, the post of an ER doctor dying from COVID-19 can quickly match the number of people who saw news coverage of the twin towers collapsing in 2001.
- The collective grief of combined losses
A recent media grab featured a doctor who had self-quarantined from his child. The now popular photo shows him extending his hands to his son on the other side of a glass door. This same family lost their house in the tornados that hit Nashville last week. That is an extreme example, but many people will suffer the loss of wages, routine, family, and even identity. When loss hits multiple elements of our lives, grief is harder to predict, endure, and escape.
- Unexpected loss of loved ones
Medical experts predict that fatalities will include people who would not typically pass away in a normal year. There are unexpected deaths in our parishes all the time, but not in the numbers and frequency that might occur this year.
- The unknown
David Kessler, a world expert on grief, describes a type of anticipatory grief that occurs when people do not know what will happen. This suffering is seen when people receive a dire health diagnosis or face an imminent job change outside of their control. The hazard in this type of sorrow is that people don’t acknowledge it as grief. They may suffer a confusing combination of fatigue, irritation, and even depression without knowing why.
What can we do about it now?
- Take care of yourself. You are a leader. If you don’t recognize your own grief as well as the effects it is having on you physically and emotionally, you will not be able to lead others as effectively.
- Invite the Holy Spirit into this specific situation. Pray that the gifts necessary to working through loss will be present and powerful in you and your community.
- Convene your team. Invite them into prayer and preparation with you. Educate them on how this is a different situation that might require new resources, new approaches, and extra attention.
- Support each other, and hold each other accountable. Honesty, transparency, and vulnerability accelerate and maximize impact for all good teams. Give your team permission to display these qualities.
- Look to the experts around you. Although I am not an expert on grief, ministry, or parish operations, I’ve seen some wins and losses while leading a school through the passing of one of its most known and popular teachers on an Easter Sunday. Additionally, the previous Easter holiday we lost a well-known and active volunteer dad. In both cases, I benefited from the experts around me, those who had been through similar experiences. Find those experts. (After all, the author you’re reading right now started by citing “Peanuts” as a favorite spiritual resource. This blog is just your starting point.)