Difficult Conversations in Leadership

By Jen Moser, Office of Evangelization and Catechesis

Every leader faces difficult conversations. Maybe it’s with a key parishioner, a challenging employee, or a disgruntled parent. As leaders, our goal is to help others move toward a preferred vision of the future, and we know that the outcome of these conversations greatly impacts our ability to make progress toward that vision. Leadership is not primarily exercised through authority (based on a title or position) but rather through our ability to influence others in a godly way.

Have you ever found yourself:

• avoiding the real issues, then blowing up when you’ve held your feelings inside too long?
• taking things too personally or carrying your own insecurities and past experiences into conversations?
• formulating a story in your mind to explain what you perceive to be others’ bad behavior?
• justifying your own position or perspective without stopping to reflect on others’ legitimate needs?

Is there a way to become more self-aware of the personal tendencies and interpretive stories that are obstacles to handling difficult conversations well?  While there’s no way to perfectly prepare ourselves for them, here are some key practices that can increase our chances of success and reduce some of the stress we feel in advance.

1. Open and Honest – Make it safe to say anything. Remind yourself that free-flowing dialogue leads to better choices. Considering all the options and opinions is more likely to lead to shared commitment, preventing passive resistance or behind-the-scenes criticism from others.
2. What’s the endgame? – Ask yourself, “What do I really want here – for myself, for others, for the relationship? How would I behave if I really wanted these results?” Stopping to honestly examine our personal intentions often reveals hidden motives and changes the way we approach the conversation.
3. Contrast – When others feel disrespected, openly address their concerns about your intentions and “contrast” them with your real purposes and desires for the conversation. Here’s an example of contrasting. “I’m not saying I think you’re a horrible person. In fact, I think you add tons of value to the team. What I am saying is that we all need to be held accountable for getting done what what we say we’re going to get done.”
4. Empathy – Ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do what this person is doing?” This question helps us check our own judgments, fostering empathy and enabling us to examine our own contribution to the situation.

For more on this topic, check out the advice from author Joseph Grenny in this video on “Crucial Accountability: Resolving Broken Commitments, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.” If you’re short on time, watch the portion starting at 17:10 and ending at 26:41 on the stories we tell ourselves.

If you’ve found this video helpful, consider attending the Global Leadership Summit, a conference being hosted and live-streamed by the Archdiocese of Omaha on August 8-9, 2019 at the Harper Center on the campus of Creighton University. For more information, visit https://gls.archomaha.org/ or email jkmoser@archomaha.org.